Thursday, June 14, 2012

Oh Canada, you're killing me!

Warning: this post contains black humor. The author does not find actual murder funny. He does, however, relieve the agony of all criminality with humor. And if you've not figured that out yet, you're either new to the blog (welcome!) or . . . well. New to the blog.

You've been warned. . .

Canada, you have a reputation. You're the girl we show to our mothers, or marry when we're 35. You're not the girl wearing short skirts and fending off our grubby, desperate approaches, because we know you're not like that. Good for you.

But sometimes you might want to think about letting go a little, exhibiting some flair and flash. Show a little leg. I mean, your national sport is one in which we can't see even the object the players are hitting. Your national food is a topping, a syrup, not even the main event. You don't even touch any of the interesting U.S. states. Mexico jostles with Texas and California, you have Washington and a Dakota (North, I'd guess, but who cares?). You don't even make it to Wisconsin.

And now look what you've done.

You have one of the most interesting murderers in a decade, and you screw that up, too. He's a cross-dressing, media-whoring, victim-chopping, parts-mailing, police-fleeing porn star. And, of course, like every newsworthy (alleged) murderer he needs a punchy nickname for the TV and newspapers. My goodness, with all that he's done, with all that he is, anyone with any imagination could come up with half-a-dozen names for him.

Except you, Canadians, apparently.

Your best effort: "Psycho Killer."

Yes, I know it comes from a song, but seriously? That's the kind of name that (1) any serial killer could have, and (2) my kids would come up with. Psycho Killer? How about Bad Meanie Pants? Nasty Life-Stealer?

I happen to know you have people who can do better. One of my favorite authors, Jennifer Hillier has a delightfully twisted, creepy-fueled imagination. She could do better in a moment. A sleeping moment.

So, Canada, I'm going to let you back up and try again.

And no, I'm not going to help with suggestions. He's your psycho killer, you get to name him. Just do it properly this time.


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