Friday, March 16, 2012

Bite me.

A prosecutor walked into my office this week and during our chat revealed that he's our official "dog prosecutor."

Which set my mind a-whirling.

"Please state your name for the record."
"And is it true, Mr. Rover--"
"Not Mr. Rover. Just Rover. I'm a dog."
"Ah, very well. Is it true, Rover, that on December 25, 2011, you bit someone."
Shrugs. "I bite a lot of people. I'm a dog."
"Yes, but most dogs bite toys, not people."
"Pffft. They ain't dogs. They're pets."
"Maybe, but it's illegal to bite-- What are you doing, sir?"
"Cleaning myself. Didn't have time for a shower before court this morning."
"We prefer witnesses not lick their crotches while testifying, if you don't mind. Now, I was asking whether--"
"Hang on. If you don't want me washing, can I assume you don't want me peeing, either?"
"Good heavens, no!"
"Okay, it's just that I need to go and that's a might tempting hydrant."
"That's not a hydrant, Rover, that's the court reporter...."

Well, turns out he doesn't actually prosecute the dogs themselves, just their owners, which is much less interesting. Important, though, because he was telling me about the injuries people have sustained -- very nasty indeed. He has three cases, and they all have one thing in common, can you guess what that is? I'll let you fill in the blanks, it's two words:


First case is a bench trial this coming Monday, as it happens. (The original story about the incident aired on Fox, click here to read/see the story.)

It's going to be interesting but I'll tell you what, I would've paid good money to see the prosecutor, John Hunt, cross-examine a dog.

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