A word in your ear

Do you like to play with words?  This came to me when I saw a donkey on TV with my female dog lying beside my chair.

And I have three little kids, one of whom was involved in a conspiracy with a neighbor's kid to write a rude word on a wipe-clean piece of plastic.  Which the little geniuses forgot to wipe clean.

But these things got me to thinking what store we put in words, good ones and bad, and how a single word, the exact same word, can be utterly harmless or hair-raisingly shocking.  Exhibit A:

"I met our neighbor today, Richard."
"Oh, cool.  Is he is a Rich, or a Richie, or..."
"No, he's a Dick."
"Excellent.  Is that his yard I can smell from here?"
"No, it's his ass."
"He has a donkey?"
"He sure does.  Chickens, too."
"Brilliant, I wonder if he'll give you some eggs."
"Probably, he already offered me his cock."
 "I see. Please explain."
"In case I want to have chickens, too.  He said I could borrow his rooster."
"Oh, phew.  But then I knew he was an animal lover, he and his wife."
"Oh, you saw his bitch?"
"I did.  His wife was walking her and the other labrador this morning."
"What were you doing out this morning?"
"Chasing my neighbor's pussy."
"It escaped again?"
"Yep.  Still on the loose, too."
"Well, you better find it.  Can't have your neighbor's pussy in with my neighbor's..."
"Oh right, that donkey might step on it."
"Precisely what I was going to say."

Offended?  I nearly am...

Bite me.

A prosecutor walked into my office this week and during our chat revealed that he's our official "dog prosecutor."

Which set my mind a-whirling.

"Please state your name for the record."
"Rover."
"And is it true, Mr. Rover--"
"Not Mr. Rover. Just Rover. I'm a dog."
"Ah, very well. Is it true, Rover, that on December 25, 2011, you bit someone."
Shrugs. "I bite a lot of people. I'm a dog."
"Yes, but most dogs bite toys, not people."
"Pffft. They ain't dogs. They're pets."
"Maybe, but it's illegal to bite-- What are you doing, sir?"
"Cleaning myself. Didn't have time for a shower before court this morning."
"We prefer witnesses not lick their crotches while testifying, if you don't mind. Now, I was asking whether--"
"Hang on. If you don't want me washing, can I assume you don't want me peeing, either?"
"Good heavens, no!"
"Okay, it's just that I need to go and that's a might tempting hydrant."
"That's not a hydrant, Rover, that's the court reporter...."

Well, turns out he doesn't actually prosecute the dogs themselves, just their owners, which is much less interesting. Important, though, because he was telling me about the injuries people have sustained -- very nasty indeed. He has three cases, and they all have one thing in common, can you guess what that is? I'll let you fill in the blanks, it's two words:

P_T B_L_S

First case is a bench trial this coming Monday, as it happens. (The original story about the incident aired on Fox, click here to read/see the story.)

It's going to be interesting but I'll tell you what, I would've paid good money to see the prosecutor, John Hunt, cross-examine a dog.

A tin star for DAC?

We have this new program at the DA's office where prosecutors ride with APD officers when they are out on patrol.  I assume it's so they can find out how awesome we are, and we can give them lots of pointers as to the stuff they are doing wrong.  No doubt, they are terribly grateful for all the input, don't you think?

Naturally, I'm thinking of joining in.  A dash of excitement, a chance to meet the troops, and I assume they'll give me a tin star, a ten-gallon hat, and a six-shooter for when we're trapped in Gravel Gulch.

Oh right, Austin.  The year 2012.

Still, I think it'll be interesting.  The only ride-along I have ever done was in England when I was a newspaper reporter.  I got bored after about three hours and asked them to take me home because one speeder and a broken tail light didn't give me much to write about. Or stay awake for.  And English cops don't even stop for fish and chips while on duty.  Very weird.

I'll be sure and let you know if it happens, I'm betting it'll be good blog fodder.

Those police cars are bullet-proof, right?

Monkey (and whale) business

I think I need to monkey with the blog a little.  As you can see, I have my own domain now, like a grown up.  But I still like to play with colors and pictures, so please bear with me while I fine tune things here.

Maybe this weekend.  You see, the plan was to go camping but we have major storms rolling through and storms + tents = disaster.  So I think it'll be a writing weekend for me, which can include tinkering with my upcoming website and the blog.

In the meantime, I would like to discuss how some do-gooders saving the whale will impact my TV watching.  Seriously.  I'm all for whale-saving, absolutely.  Wonderful creatures.  And when I'm watching the show Whale Wars I totally root for the saboteurs (I checked, it's not a violation of my doing-justice oath.  For one thing, they're in international waters not Lake Travis, and second, as long as I don't, myself, disable a Japanese whaling boat, I'm okay).

But see, that is an awesome show, a highlight for me and my kids.  But now the saboteurs have gone and succeeded in chasing those nasty whalers off.  What are they going to do, have an entire episode where the anti-whaling crews go around high-fiving each other?  Maybe admiring the beauty of the Arctic Sea (where whales are now free to roam but how would you know cos you can't see them?).  For an hour?  I think not. 

Although we have discovered a show called Top Shot, which turns out to be as addictive.  People shooting at stuff, using shotguns, machine guns, and cannons.  How come no one ever thought of that before?  Bloody brilliant.

But back to the successful saboteurs, to whom congratulations are in order.

I suppose.

Happy news down at the farm.

Something cool happened today. Two somethings, actually, both related to my upcoming novel. Well, it's already a novel, I guess it's the release that's upcoming but you know what I mean.

My fiction editor emailed me with two minor edits to the manuscript of The Bookseller, and once those were done he announced the book would be sent off "for layout, copyedit, typesetting, the whole gambit. Very exciting!"

Very exciting indeed, even though I have no idea what those things even are!

Okay, I have some idea, but for sure they mean this thing is actually real and progressing!

And the second sprig of happy? Well, what's the one thing a new author wants to know about his soon-to-be-published book? Hmm? No, not when it'll be released, I know that and the answer is October. . . No, I'm not talking about how many free copies I'll get. . . And no! Sheesh, Oprah's not even on TV any more! I'm talking about. . . What does the cover look like???

Because, let's face it, people do judge a book by its cover. And, as he and I have discussed, when you're writing a mystery series, really any series, the first cover will set the tone and style for the following ones. Start off badly then... eeek. Many powerful reasons, then, for me to be anxious about the cover art.

It'll be done soon, he said. Then he emails back and says, "Oh what the heck, here are the two versions we're deciding between, have a look."

Love. Them. Love one slightly more than the other, which happens to be the one he prefers. But, Love. Them.

(Just can't share them yet, I promised him!)

So, all in all a very exciting day indeed. Which reminds me, I never discussed how I landed this publisher, that should be part 4 of my little series, right?

Fine, I'll write it this weekend. Promise.

Inside the jury's mind

Okay, so technically a jury doesn't have a mind, but I wanted to share with you an article I read on Slate.com titled:

Inside the Jury That Convicted UVA Student George Huguely of Murder

If you're not familiar with the case, the bare facts are: student George Huguely was dating Yeardly Love and ended their conflict-filled relationship by killing her in a drunken rage.

The article includes an interview with one of the jurors who talked about how they arrived at their guilty verdict, which guilty verdict they chose, and how they got to the prison sentence of 26 years. Interesting to me as a prosecutor to see what carries weight in deliberations, and some tips in there for defense lawyers, too.

The mystery agent (pt. 3)

This is part three in my series about the steps to publication and here's the overview of what one needs to do to get published, which I'll put at the top of each post as a reminder.

1. Write a book
2. Find an agent
3. Get a publisher

So, step two: Find an Agent. And I think this will qualify as the hardest and most frustrating of all the steps, for almost every writer.

But it's necessary. If you want your book published by a paying publisher (e.g., Penguin, Simon & Schuster, etc.) then the only way that happens is if a literary agent gets you a book deal. Now, smaller presses will accept submissions from writers directly but one usually goes that route after shooting for the big guys. And I suppose there are cases somewhere, somehow, sometime, when a writer gets a deal with a major publisher on his or her own, but as a business model it's a failure. You need an agent.

So how? Well, since we're doing lists, here's the route:

1. Identify agents that represent the kind of book you have written. There are several web sites that help writers do this, a quick Google search will bring them all up but the ones I used were: AbsoluteWrite, AgentQuery, and Preditors and Editors. It's important to research each and every agent because many have specific requirements for when you initiate contact.

2. Write a bang-up query letter. This is how you initiate contact, it's a one-page letter (usually sent by email nowadays) that explains to a potential agent the length of your book, the genre (mystery, sci-fi etc), the basic plot, and a little about the writer. Trust me when I say this can be the most difficult project a writer takes on, and again there are web sites that will help show how it's done.

3. Email your query to said agents. For mystery writers there are over a hundred legitimate agents who will represent you, which sounds like a lot. It's not, because the next thing you need to do is. . .

4. Get used to rejection. Everyone has been told they have a story in them. Usually it should remain there, but people don't recognize this and all agents are bombarded with queries. Statistics bandied about the Internet suggest that most agents get literally hundreds of queries per week and reject 99 percent of all writers at the query stage. Which tells you how important it is that your query is not just good, but stellar. Now, assuming yours is, the agent might ask for the first three chapters, which you mail off eagerly.

5. And wait. This is another stage where you can be rejected, obviously, but should you make it through the agent will request the complete novel.

6. Which you send off, and then wait some more. This final stage is agony, of course, because it can be the first time your precious work has been viewed by a professional. Sure, your mum likes it and your husband thinks you're an awesome writer, but this is a literary agent, a professional in the business. And the truth is, unless they love the book they won't take it on. They might like it or love parts of it, but chances are that loving all of it is the only thing that will get you that offer of representation. Which is why your finished novel needs to be as good as your query.
Tough business, no?

7. But The Call is priceless when it comes, and it comes to many new writers.
I received mine while driving to Houston with my wife. I remember sitting in a booth at a crappy Italian restaurant beside I-10. It was a moment of pure bliss.

I am not a good record keeper but I can tell you that for The Bookseller, I queried about 25 agents. Three others were reading the full manuscript when Ann Collette offered to represent me. All three of the others were very happy for me and told me to accept because they weren't going to have time to read the manuscript in the time I'd told Ann I'd accept/decline.

Decline, yeah right.

Timeline. . . from finishing the novel to signing with Ann was about six months, almost a year after I'd started writing the book. Six months of querying which is pretty quick, I'd say, but it didn't feel like it at the time, I can assure you!