Continued from earlier in the week, where I was converting the crimes I see in court every day into infractions for my family.
Stalking (third degree felony):
This would consist of Henry shadowing Nicola, mimicking everything she does, making faces, and generally not leaving her alone.
Violation of protective order (third degree felony):
See above, and add me yelling, "Henry, if you do that one more time . . ."
Evading on foot (class B misdemeanor):
The likely result of the above two felonies, plus me saying, "Right, that's it, come here now, young man!"
Perjury (class A misdemeanor):
What I get when I finally catch him and ask what happened.
And finally, . . .
Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon (second degree felony):
Imagine a big pile of us on our bed at night, reading books, a sweet quiet moment we create every night before putting the kids to bed. We're all snuggling in close, the occasional kiss and hug. Then a vile fog emerges from the under the covers, shrouding us with its bilious odor. And Henry grinning like he deserves a medal for the noxiousness of his bodily fumes . . .